Wednesday, June 30, 2010

My NEW World Domination Plan

The food and water girl wishes me to express my condolences for not posting. But, really, it wasn't my fault! Lily's computer metaphorically exploded from a virus that was pulling up porn and Viagra ads.

Anyway, I bring the updates. The food and water girl made it through her first full year with a 3.9. She lost her 4.0 because she got really sick in the middle of a participation-based one-credit-hour class and the professor was not sympathetic. Other than that, though, she is eager to get started again in the fall.

Before she goes, however, she will be going to Louisiana in August cleaning aquatic wildlife, whatever those are, that have been affected by the oil spill. She detailed her whole plan to us last night when she was doing her Tuesday ritual of brushing out my coat until it glistened. And Locket's. And D'Artagnan's. And Cocoa's. And our mother's.

Not only does she have the audacity not to take me, but Cocoa and I will have to go spend time with Lily's Auntie Elise. That isn't bad at all, I guess, because Lily's auntie is a real nice bean. The last time we stayed with her, she fed us stinky goodness every day and cut the meat out of shrimp tails for us when she had a party.

Back on point, though. Lily's future time in the oily place got me thinking about how we can solve the icky oil mess and so I used this nifty online thing called Google to look up information on the oil mess.

Apparently this oil spill has been spilling since April 20. And a bunch of really nice countries have offered assistance, but for some reason our president has denied their offerings.

So I have a new world domination plan. I am going to win the hearts of Americans first by solving the oil spill crisis. Surely they'll realize then that I am much smarter than any bean president they could possibly elect.

Here is what we're going to do.

I have estimated that if we blogospheric furbabies head down to the Gulf, springing animals from humane societies and pounds as we go. I predict that by the time we reach the shore we'll have an army large enough to find and commandeer a large naval vessel. Then we get a lot of beach balls at Wal-Mart and a lot of tubes. I'm sure the naval vessel has something that inflates lots of stuff fast. How else would those navy people get their floaties properly inflated?

Anyhow, I say we stick the inflatable part of the balls into the tubes and send them down into the oil pipe. Scuba-donning doggies will oversee this small part of the operation; they really aren't that smart but they stupidly like the water.

Then we have the naval vessel inflate all the beach balls and the doggies will go in when they get full of enough air. They'll pull off the tubes and seal the beach balls and, voila, a solution to the problem!

And because they're beach balls, if one of them escapes, floats to the surface, and ends up going ashore, no one with worry about it because of course it will look like someone just lost a beach ball.

Of course, because my plan is so brilliant and will be executed perfectly, the people of this great nation will unanimously decide that I should be their unquestioned ruler. I have to do it soon so I can shut down all colleges so my food and water girl doesn't leave.

-Buster Theodora

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Updates on The Taking of Minnesota!

First of all, I have a Buster-edit. The food and water girl claims she "misread" the atlas; Milwaukee is in Wisconsin, not Minnesota. So, Angel and Kirby, as you were first, decide amongst yourselves for Minneapolis and St. Paul. Tuck, the next largest is Duluth.

That cleared away, I am preparing a PowerPoint and corresponding .PDF on exactly how we should take over Minnesota. It is summarized briefly in the map below. Lily says if I don't properly cite it I could get in trouble for copywright infringement, so Thank you, National Geographic!

The big pink dot is St. Paul. The most important goal is St. Paul. I say we take them from the north and cover ground because, really, what sane person would live that far north? Brrr!!! It's like we're doing them a favor and pushing them down south into the warm weather. The squiggly line is our primary position before we begin our march south. It will be peaceful; hopefully very few of us will be captured by animal control.

If you are captured, do not panic. Wait peacefully in holding. Await the seige on St. Paul which will issue an executive order to release all imprisoned animals.

Thank you,

Your Leader, Buster Theodora

Friday, September 18, 2009

My World Domination Plan

I've decided the only way the world is going to recognize me is if I flex my world domination muscles. After all, Lily says during the Cold War the Soviets were just flexing their atomic muscles, right? She should know; she had to analyze the Truman M.D. (Lily-edit: Bus, it wasn't a doctor. It was a "doctrine." The Truman Doctrine.)

I've decided to take over Minnesota.

I know, I know. It's a bit of a hike north and they have a lot of cheese. (Lily-edit: That's Wisconsin.)

So. Who wants to take over Minnesota with me? I figure, today Minnesota, tomorrow the world. Hey, I'll make any takers mayors! First feline in gets Milwaukee!

-Buster Theodora

Sunday, August 9, 2009

I Have Tortie-Tude!

I am now an official member of the Tough Ass Torties Association!

I guess I should give a speech...

What did you say, Lily?

What do you mean I got in on the basis of my color and not for my world-leading ability? And no one had to vote? Are you sure?

Saturday, July 18, 2009

You Will NOT Believe What She Did Now!

What did I do to deserve this?




Yes, you heard me. Corn cob litter, only it doesn't actually look like the stuff that appears after all the yellow stuff is eaten off the ears of corn. It looks like a pile of wood shavings, only when you get close it smells really funny.

The food and water girl... well, she... she... SHE FEELS SHE HAS TO MONITOR ME WHEN I NEED TO USE THE LITTER BOX. This, of course, is ridiculous and certainly a behavior that will end when I start my world domination. She says I get in and I dig to China and then I get out without actually doing anything. And to make matters worse, she hears me and she yells, "Bus is in the litter! Someone go check on her!" if she's not there and can't do it. Really? MUST I put up with this embarrassment?

So she got this corn cob litter and it's worse than when they mix a box of Arm & Hammer into the regular litter. But the food and water girl's mom read this thing online where you shouldn't inhale cat litter and that it's bad for you. I inhale it all the time and look at me! I'm perfectly fine!

And so she dumps the old litter out, which is perfectly fine, and puts the new litter in, which is bad. And I was waiting to go, so I was dancing around her feet crying, until I saw the box.

And then I started screaming.

Really? How does she think she can do this to me? I am a cat; the only way I should have to go is on bentonite clay, but apparently beans shouldn't inhale bentonite clay so I'm left going on corn cobs.

The food and water girl picked me up and set me in the box.


I was so startled I couldn't move. The food and water girl took my paw and scratched in the litter - if you can call it that - like she humiliatingly did when I was being litter trained. And so I yanked my paw free and bit her.

"Buster Theodora! That is very bad!"

I don't care.

Corn cob litter?

It doesn't even effectively clump!
-Buster Theodora

P.S. Is your cat plotting to kill you?
Yeah, for failing to provide adequately clumping litter, I am!
Thanks, Derby! Saw the link in one of your older posts!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Detesting the Food and Water Girl

I am not happy with the food and water girl today.

Not happy at all.

So I was up this morning with the human litter scooper on the couch getting a massage when all of a sudden Locket hops up and demands one as well.

What does he think this is? A free country?

He doesn't need one! I require one because it stimulates blood flow to my brain and therefore encourages creative thought so I can craft my plan to rule the world. He doesn't! Locket is average-brand dumb. I'm sorry, John, but it's very true. You're an idiot.

So I kicked him off the couch. Literally. I put my back paw to his hip and shoved. He went flying and I was just settling in for the second half of my massage when Lily goes, "Buster Theodora! Shame on you!"

And she stopped petting me, which was very irritating because she'd stopped just before she'd worked out a kink in my neck.

And so I went and did what any unquestioned ruler does. I scratched her and I must say I'm very happy about the amount of blood I drew. Very unquestioned ruler-like.

I should've done it after D'Artagnan left the room because he was on the bean's other side and he ran over her lap to hit me.

"Hey! Quit it, you two!" She scooped D'Ar up and pulled him back onto her lap. Of course. Just protect the offender, why don't you!

So I went into hissy-fit mode, jumping around and yelling and spitting (not hissing, just spitting). When I thought I'd proved a solid point and stopped to take a breath, the bean just sighed and said, "Oh, Li'l Bus. Perhaps you should consider taking up a hobby."

I HAVE A HOBBY. IT'S CALLED WORLD DOMINATION! Or don't you ever pay attention to me?

And then, to top it all of, D'Artagnan rolled onto his back and Lily gave him tummy scritches, leaving me to go find Locket and kill him. Okay, I really didn't, you know, kill him. I just let him know never to disturb my massages again.

-Buster Theodora

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Defending the Bean

So back in like the sixteen hundreds, back when the world was still floating around in a vast pot of primordial chicken noodle soup, there was this big important guy who was named after my brother John Locke. He thought up this thing called contracted socialism (Lily-edit: social contract theory) where the idea was that the people of a place gave up powers to a government for protection and self-preservation and that when the government fails to do what it's supposed to, the people can revoke the rights of those powers to the government.

When Lily took me in, she gave up powers to the government of me for protection and self-preservation. This means it is my job to find out who hijacked Cocoa's Blogger account and put the hurt down on them, not only as practice for when the world realizes the power of my intellect and appoints me unquestioned ruler but because when the staff (Lily) gets upset, things don't run as smoothly. And I'm all about smooth. Just look at my fur.

When I find you, hijacker, I promise I will sit on you until you tell me the truth and nothing but the truth! Okay, I won't sit on you. My heavy brothers will, but still! And you will not be faced with Locke's socially contracted theory, but with the modern-day interpretations of Marx's views - a.k.a. communistic control courtesy Li'l Bus! Remember, at one point I was a mean street cat and I can put the hurt down when I want to!

Lastly, just a word about coming in from the cold: I still remember and do not appreciate the little bottle of special-formula cat milk you tried to feed me when I wouldn't eat that first day. Everyone loved it but me, you say? It was only D'Artagnan, Locket, and me that drank it. Locky didn't want to upset you because he was afraid you'd banish him into the cold and D'Artagnan was willing to give up all socially contracted powers to you the moment you wrapped his cold body in that dryer-warm towel. Thank goodness D'Ar bit the rubber part off and swallowed it when you were trying to feed him so you could make a big mondo fuss over him and not make a second rotation over to me.

-Buster Theodora
(To put all rumors to rest, I am a girlcat. My bean stupidly thought I was a boycat when I was outside and named me Buster but when I got inside the name had already stuck, so she just added the Theodora because Theodora was the name of a Byzantine empress.)

Tough Ass Tortie Association Member!

Tough Ass Tortie Association Member!
I have Tortie-Tude!