Wednesday, June 30, 2010

My NEW World Domination Plan

The food and water girl wishes me to express my condolences for not posting. But, really, it wasn't my fault! Lily's computer metaphorically exploded from a virus that was pulling up porn and Viagra ads.

Anyway, I bring the updates. The food and water girl made it through her first full year with a 3.9. She lost her 4.0 because she got really sick in the middle of a participation-based one-credit-hour class and the professor was not sympathetic. Other than that, though, she is eager to get started again in the fall.

Before she goes, however, she will be going to Louisiana in August cleaning aquatic wildlife, whatever those are, that have been affected by the oil spill. She detailed her whole plan to us last night when she was doing her Tuesday ritual of brushing out my coat until it glistened. And Locket's. And D'Artagnan's. And Cocoa's. And our mother's.

Not only does she have the audacity not to take me, but Cocoa and I will have to go spend time with Lily's Auntie Elise. That isn't bad at all, I guess, because Lily's auntie is a real nice bean. The last time we stayed with her, she fed us stinky goodness every day and cut the meat out of shrimp tails for us when she had a party.

Back on point, though. Lily's future time in the oily place got me thinking about how we can solve the icky oil mess and so I used this nifty online thing called Google to look up information on the oil mess.

Apparently this oil spill has been spilling since April 20. And a bunch of really nice countries have offered assistance, but for some reason our president has denied their offerings.

So I have a new world domination plan. I am going to win the hearts of Americans first by solving the oil spill crisis. Surely they'll realize then that I am much smarter than any bean president they could possibly elect.

Here is what we're going to do.

I have estimated that if we blogospheric furbabies head down to the Gulf, springing animals from humane societies and pounds as we go. I predict that by the time we reach the shore we'll have an army large enough to find and commandeer a large naval vessel. Then we get a lot of beach balls at Wal-Mart and a lot of tubes. I'm sure the naval vessel has something that inflates lots of stuff fast. How else would those navy people get their floaties properly inflated?

Anyhow, I say we stick the inflatable part of the balls into the tubes and send them down into the oil pipe. Scuba-donning doggies will oversee this small part of the operation; they really aren't that smart but they stupidly like the water.

Then we have the naval vessel inflate all the beach balls and the doggies will go in when they get full of enough air. They'll pull off the tubes and seal the beach balls and, voila, a solution to the problem!

And because they're beach balls, if one of them escapes, floats to the surface, and ends up going ashore, no one with worry about it because of course it will look like someone just lost a beach ball.

Of course, because my plan is so brilliant and will be executed perfectly, the people of this great nation will unanimously decide that I should be their unquestioned ruler. I have to do it soon so I can shut down all colleges so my food and water girl doesn't leave.

-Buster Theodora

Tough Ass Tortie Association Member!

Tough Ass Tortie Association Member!
I have Tortie-Tude!