Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Detesting the Food and Water Girl

I am not happy with the food and water girl today.

Not happy at all.

So I was up this morning with the human litter scooper on the couch getting a massage when all of a sudden Locket hops up and demands one as well.

What does he think this is? A free country?

He doesn't need one! I require one because it stimulates blood flow to my brain and therefore encourages creative thought so I can craft my plan to rule the world. He doesn't! Locket is average-brand dumb. I'm sorry, John, but it's very true. You're an idiot.

So I kicked him off the couch. Literally. I put my back paw to his hip and shoved. He went flying and I was just settling in for the second half of my massage when Lily goes, "Buster Theodora! Shame on you!"

And she stopped petting me, which was very irritating because she'd stopped just before she'd worked out a kink in my neck.

And so I went and did what any unquestioned ruler does. I scratched her and I must say I'm very happy about the amount of blood I drew. Very unquestioned ruler-like.

I should've done it after D'Artagnan left the room because he was on the bean's other side and he ran over her lap to hit me.

"Hey! Quit it, you two!" She scooped D'Ar up and pulled him back onto her lap. Of course. Just protect the offender, why don't you!

So I went into hissy-fit mode, jumping around and yelling and spitting (not hissing, just spitting). When I thought I'd proved a solid point and stopped to take a breath, the bean just sighed and said, "Oh, Li'l Bus. Perhaps you should consider taking up a hobby."

I HAVE A HOBBY. IT'S CALLED WORLD DOMINATION! Or don't you ever pay attention to me?

And then, to top it all of, D'Artagnan rolled onto his back and Lily gave him tummy scritches, leaving me to go find Locket and kill him. Okay, I really didn't, you know, kill him. I just let him know never to disturb my massages again.

-Buster Theodora

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Defending the Bean

So back in like the sixteen hundreds, back when the world was still floating around in a vast pot of primordial chicken noodle soup, there was this big important guy who was named after my brother John Locke. He thought up this thing called contracted socialism (Lily-edit: social contract theory) where the idea was that the people of a place gave up powers to a government for protection and self-preservation and that when the government fails to do what it's supposed to, the people can revoke the rights of those powers to the government.

When Lily took me in, she gave up powers to the government of me for protection and self-preservation. This means it is my job to find out who hijacked Cocoa's Blogger account and put the hurt down on them, not only as practice for when the world realizes the power of my intellect and appoints me unquestioned ruler but because when the staff (Lily) gets upset, things don't run as smoothly. And I'm all about smooth. Just look at my fur.

When I find you, hijacker, I promise I will sit on you until you tell me the truth and nothing but the truth! Okay, I won't sit on you. My heavy brothers will, but still! And you will not be faced with Locke's socially contracted theory, but with the modern-day interpretations of Marx's views - a.k.a. communistic control courtesy Li'l Bus! Remember, at one point I was a mean street cat and I can put the hurt down when I want to!

Lastly, just a word about coming in from the cold: I still remember and do not appreciate the little bottle of special-formula cat milk you tried to feed me when I wouldn't eat that first day. Everyone loved it but me, you say? It was only D'Artagnan, Locket, and me that drank it. Locky didn't want to upset you because he was afraid you'd banish him into the cold and D'Artagnan was willing to give up all socially contracted powers to you the moment you wrapped his cold body in that dryer-warm towel. Thank goodness D'Ar bit the rubber part off and swallowed it when you were trying to feed him so you could make a big mondo fuss over him and not make a second rotation over to me.

-Buster Theodora
(To put all rumors to rest, I am a girlcat. My bean stupidly thought I was a boycat when I was outside and named me Buster but when I got inside the name had already stuck, so she just added the Theodora because Theodora was the name of a Byzantine empress.)

Tough Ass Tortie Association Member!

Tough Ass Tortie Association Member!
I have Tortie-Tude!