I am not happy with the food and water girl today.
Not happy at all.
So I was up this morning with the human litter scooper on the couch getting a massage when all of a sudden Locket hops up and demands one as well.
What does he think this is? A free country?
He doesn't need one! I require one because it stimulates blood flow to my brain and therefore encourages creative thought so I can craft my plan to rule the world. He doesn't! Locket is average-brand dumb. I'm sorry, John, but it's very true. You're an idiot.
So I kicked him off the couch. Literally. I put my back paw to his hip and shoved. He went flying and I was just settling in for the second half of my massage when Lily goes, "Buster Theodora! Shame on you!"
And she stopped petting me, which was very irritating because she'd stopped just before she'd worked out a kink in my neck.
And so I went and did what any unquestioned ruler does. I scratched her and I must say I'm very happy about the amount of blood I drew. Very unquestioned ruler-like.
I should've done it after D'Artagnan left the room because he was on the bean's other side and he ran over her lap to hit me.
"Hey! Quit it, you two!" She scooped D'Ar up and pulled him back onto her lap. Of course. Just protect the offender, why don't you!
So I went into hissy-fit mode, jumping around and yelling and spitting (not hissing, just spitting). When I thought I'd proved a solid point and stopped to take a breath, the bean just sighed and said, "Oh, Li'l Bus. Perhaps you should consider taking up a hobby."
I HAVE A HOBBY. IT'S CALLED WORLD DOMINATION! Or don't you ever pay attention to me?
And then, to top it all of, D'Artagnan rolled onto his back and Lily gave him tummy scritches, leaving me to go find Locket and kill him. Okay, I really didn't, you know, kill him. I just let him know never to disturb my massages again.